The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.