Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.