I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?