My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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Miscakes
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
That 👊
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.