The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
DOOO EEEET
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.