Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
You Might Also Like
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own