Passwords are more important than ever.
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O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.