A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”