DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?