Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms