when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
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a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison