Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?