*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.