PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think