My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
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My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Anyone really
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.