Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
You Might Also Like
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
pep talk
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.