I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.