In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
You’re the water to my grease fire.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell