The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
This probably isn’t good
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*praying for world peace*
God:
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
is this meant to deter me
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine