*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
You Might Also Like
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”