4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
He just like my cat fr
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
This is my bus stop.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.