“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Traveler’s camo
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
lol
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
They did not think through this water fountain
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
If a snake ate a cake