*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.