whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.