My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
#SCOTUS one-star review
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I have a type: disappointing
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
How do dragons blow out candles?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.