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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back