Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.