I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
*launders Kohls cash*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*