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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”