flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.