We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
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Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread