therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
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Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.