why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
WTF IS THAT!
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
when mom throws a party…
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.