That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.