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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“no gods no masters” = leo
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.