Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.