*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
You Might Also Like
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
We need more people like this.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]