My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes