I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
definitely did not do anything wrong
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir