“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
ok like just. call me at this point
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
A man of commitment.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
japanese corn
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Harsh but fair