Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
That’s amazing.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”