“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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HOW DARE YOU
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?