If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.