6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Any refunds available?…
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?