*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
At least try to make it slightly believable
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.