My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
So inspired right now.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Salad is the decaf of food.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?