my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Everyone’s family
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.