I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce