hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Just as the prophecy foretold
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious