TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!